The Nanner League

Bone, Queef of Staff – There it is, soak it all in. Let the memories of these legends tickle your turd cutters. While most of our teams were busy shitting the bed, the spectacular play of these 11 made you shit your pants in a crowded AJ Hudson’s (just me?). Debate it all you want. Here’s how I put together the squad.

ATTACK

Vardy: Absolute stones on that man. Wonder what his nanner is like? He could have left for another club when the Foxes went down but this league means that much to him. The only trophy he hasn’t lifted is The Nanner. From destroying pride flags to giving it to Spurs wankers. Chat shit get banged. All that needs to be said.

Salah: Running down the wing, Salah-la-la-la-la-la, The Banana King, Mo Salah, Mo Salah! Does anyone have more goals or Nanner league trophies than this guy? Serious question, I need to do some deep stat diving after the wedding but before the honeymoon.

Honorable Mention: Ings (Dude has played for as many Nanner clubs as I have nipples), Wood (Kerber’s Boy Toy), Firmino (The inspiration behind Klopp’s teeth and a never-ending joke)

MIDFIELD

Eze: Big time players step up in big time situations. No bigger moment than in front of the bunch. We saw it live, his foot picking the ball off the corner spot like I pick my nose. A quick swipe and accurate flick. Shut the Colombians up for five minutes, thank God. Quick shout out to security that snagged the pen from Burgess but let Enrique bring in his flare gun.

Noble: The man’s face was carved into a damn pumpkin. If this was a Mt. Rushmore, you bet your arse he’d be up there too. He was captain of the first ever team to lift The Nanner. Nobes was not the greatest of his time only because time is not a dimension in his reality. He was West Ham before West Ham was West Ham. He’ll be West Ham when West Ham ceases to exist.

Neves: Where would we be as a bunch without the likes of Ruben Neves? After initial back-to-back runner up finishes the Wolves started to suck just as Touille was getting turned on. Usually, a good thing but not here. There were days he was so miserable I thought he was going to off himself and we’d have to be sad for the next few weeks. Thankfully Neves gave Rad enough to be cheerful about. And if I smoke enough where my eyes start squinting it looks like my buddy Stengel is out there with the lads.

Bowen: He’s the reason I wake up in the morning. His shagging excursions are the reason I agreed to watch Love Island UK season 4 with the lady. And his goal to win West Ham a third-tier European tournament is the reason for the aforementioned shit I took in a crowded bar. The man plays with no hesitation, not a care in the world for potential harm done to his body. Watch this shit. That’s why some players make the list, and some don’t.

Honorable Mention: Zaha (Nanner Street Hero), Tielemans (Been here as long as Bae with just as many teams), Jota (75 goals in a Nanner kit across all comps, real stat*)

Defense

Robertson: A consistent, annoying little bugger. No not Roro, it’s Robbo. If only he had the face of Mkhitaryan I wouldn’t be able to tell the two apart. Liverpool hasn’t lifted the Nanner without him. He’s a perfect 7-0, anchoring a defense that only gave up double digit goals during the recent expansion year.

Dawson: Big Daddy D. The Ballon D’awson. Wherever he goes the streets chant his name. We’ll never forget the gathering we had at the Beach, his first game at Wolves after leaving his glorious past at West Ham. Watched through tears in my eyes. An absolute screamer to the top of the net against Liverpool. He had already cemented himself in this squad. All we need now is a statue, lord knows he gave me one multiple times.

Tarkowski: Burnley’s tenure in the league would have ended much sooner without Tarkowski on the back line. He was a part of some scrappy squads that found needed success against Nanners. Burnley only had a negative goal differential in 2 of his 5 seasons, incredible. Top 3 in clearances over those 5 years across all the Premier League. I actually looked that one up. Bless you James.

Wan-Bissaka: It feels like ages ago when he was the big thing out of South London. His departure paved the way for Olise and the trail of tears for Ole Reliable. Too Soon? But with that influx of cash the Eagles have strengthened the squad and challenged the top of the table. Looking for clarity on his future I did an 8 ball and decided he is going to hold it down for the Hammers when they win their next Nanner trophy.

Honorable Mention: Boly (The 2e jersey pic does it for me), Faes (For his 2 own goal performance against Liverpool), CASH (The only form of payment we accept at the store)

GK

Sa: Has there been a more discussed player in the league? More name drops in the chat than Bowen and Vardy combined. The way the name rolls off Rebecca Lowe’s English tongue, so simple she can’t butcher its Portuguese beauty. Jose Sa. Remember the name. Until Wolves get their next Portuguese net minder.

Honorable Mention: Alisson (all-time leader in empty peels, again stats here are theoretical), Pope (A pillar between the posts during Burnley’s time on the island)

MANAGER

Dyche: Who better to lead us than a Dyche? It’s not well known but the recipe for banana bread began with the Dyche family. In 1736, Eleanor Dyche frustrated with the mushy bananas she got from the market, decided to make the best of it. As his bloodline did before him, Sean took the worst nanners of the bunch and made them edible.

ASSISTANT

Moyes: He’s the man for any situation that the best of man couldn’t handle. If the team’s performance sucks and the critics demands answers, give em Moyesey. Nan has too much to drink on holiday and starts hitting on your boyfriend, introduce her to David. Your best man chokes up during his speech because you mean so fucking much to him that words will never do enough, pass the mic to Moyes. He’s got what this squad and all of us lack. CHARM